As I sit here pondering my rebirth story and the journey my children and I have been on since Carl’s death five years ago, I feel the strong kicks of my miracle baby girl inside my tummy. Ironically, or maybe not-so-ironically, she will be welcomed to the world that same week Carl took his last breath and the same day the Twin Towers fell more than two decades ago. She represents everything that matters in the choice to be reborn.
There was a time not too long ago where I was unrecognizable to myself. I no longer had the energy to be the helper or the giver that I was raised to be. The years of anxiety and caregiving depleted me to nearly nothing. All I could do was feel the truth that my old self had died when Carl died, and so began my forced rebirth. When I became a young widow and single mom of two, I was shattered, alone, and realizing self-love was the only way I would be able to heal from such a loss. The shattering of my life hurt so badly that I could no longer hide behind the facade. I needed to care for myself. This journey required me to face the truth of my loss, my past that blanketed me with survival skills that were no longer serving me, my children who were undergoing immense pain, and the fact that my support system was so terribly afraid of the rawness that death presents.
During this period of time, I reclaimed my true self that I had kept buried my entire life. I debunked the lies that I had learned in childhood that my lovability was dependent upon how much I gave to others. Inside my heart I was alone for many years by allowing the distance between loving myself to become so far from who I thought I had to be for the world to love me. Now I know love is an inside job. It’s how you treat yourself when no one is looking. It’s how you talk to yourself when no one is around to hear. As I grew to know my inner self and her voice, I saw how much self-doubt had taken over my life.
It’s been five years since I walked my best friend to heaven's door. I will always cherish the way I was able to hold him in his last breath on Earth. It changed me forever. I know that I have to honor the breath and life still left inside of me and somehow find a way to make love and authenticity always shine through for my children. And I know I want to share the practice of self-love with other people who are grieving or healing from loss.
In November, we will be hosting our Rebirth Retreat in the indigenous lands of Quimixto, Mexico. These people nurture their bodies with organic foods, surround themselves with nature’s purest energy, and live a life of simplicity and meaning. I could not be more excited to share the energy and creative development of this year’s retreat. For one whole week, you can let Mother Nature cradle your tired life and peacefully rock you back to a place where you can put away your own conditioning. You can let your hair go wild and hear the calls of the native birds and whales singing for your soul to reclaim its true essence. You’ll practice ancient rituals known to restore your mind, body, and soul. We have poured our hearts into creating a safe, intimate space for you to be seen in full transparency, if only for a moment. While I will be co-creating from afar this year, cradling my miracle, I will be thinking of all of you who are embarking on an epic journey to healing and self-discovery.
If you’re unable to join us in Mexico or aren’t quite ready for that level of transformation, I challenge you to look at this upcoming season – fall – as a season of rebirth. I hope during this time you nourish your inner self. I hope that you turn back to inner love and choose to reach for your authentic self to be reborn. I hope that you see that life is precious and time is limited. May you never take one breath for granted. May you reach inside your heart and heal the inner self that blocks you from love. May you take the time to nourish your life and be reborn as many times as you might need to live in your purpose. May you find a community that allows you to lay down the masks and be authentically you. May your heart soar with love and connection to the beautiful life you are meant to live.
My life today is unrecognizable compared to what it was five years ago. I have more love and safety than I ever dreamed of. I know who I am, and I know my purpose is to spread love as the ultimate medicine for healing the losses of our hearts. I know that I am meant to be a mother. I was meant to find David, and walk the rest of my time on Earth loving and helping others to be reborn through self-love. At Wake, we hope to be a part of your healing journey and to guide you to heal your loss through love.
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